today it rained. and i was sad. rain makes me sad.

did my good deed of the day and chased andy to his first dmp lesson, after that went for land training and after that hung at the canteen. the sky was darkening, and the canteen lights were dim. saw wen loong and through our convo, i learnt he was from VS, and then he asked if i had a choice, would i go back to dhs.

i paused and thought, and told him no, that there wouldnt be a point. true that is, but i think the only way i wouldve gone back is if GEP was still there and since its not, i dont think it would make much of a difference.

then he went off for some concert, and i was alone. the rain was pouring down in torrents and the drains were all flooded, me in my solaris shirt, in my purple FBTs, i was desolate. alone in the dark canteen, with rain pouring outside. i sloshed through the puddles, across the track.

for the first time, i felt really lonely.

as i stepped into the bus, the cold air embraced me, and i inexplicably let out a shiver. my hands were so cold they were numb. even the canteen water tap warmed them, and usually most people would know that the canteen water tap's water is definitely lower than your body temparature. i froze there on the bus seat, the rain slapping angrily against the roof of the bus. my vision fogged up (contact lenses) and as i walked home, i pondered about what i was here for.

and i felt like dying.
and i felt like dying.
and i felt lke dying.

someone sing to me please. strange request? i wouldnt know, i wish someone just would. a serious song, not MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB. (lolJunyi'sbloglol)

i think im getting apathetic about things here in our sunny land of NJC. maybe im beyond caring. maybe im just having a (mostly) miserable of it here that im just not bothering. e.g. school/cca? then i try to tell myself that hey youve got 3 and a quarter more years here, lady. if everyone hates you in your first year, youre really screwed. thus i try to pull myself up.

ugh.

i never thought you'd last,
i never dreamed you would.
you watch your life go past,
you wonder if you should.

im lasting alright. in strange moments of emoness i would sit on the parapet outside either 06 or my own class and just stare four storeys down. from 06's parapet it looks ok cuz no one can see you except for the art people diorectly opposite cuz its blocked in by buildings. but for the bit outside my own class, its OPEN AIR FOUR STOREYS DOWN. in other words, if you push me, i wil fall. and i will die.

charming, innit. once mr han caught xuemin and i sitting on the 06's parapet and he asked if we were suicidal or something and we were like HUH cuz we were just sitting and talking. and ever since that convo, ive been sitting on the parapet outside my class. from below, it looks REALLY BAD. bwahahaa.

sing to me sing to me--

if you could be my punk rock princess
i would be your garage band king.
you could tell me why you just dont fit in,
and how you're gonna be something.

bah. the song fits i think. Junyi would say it beats hey juliet, innit? ahahaa. and uhh Junyi dearest has been mistaken for a boy from ACSI. meaning there is actually a Junyi in ACSI. a real live one! (lol what a choice of words) but anyways MY Junyi isnt even a boy. ^_^ bah if she was id date her cuz shes my bestie and she knows me the best. ahahaaa.

chia babe, will try to space out a day during sept for youuuu. i dont know though cuz of all those bitchy projects. ohwells. EHH SIGN UP FOR LDP LE. i think i shall sign for it after i get my bitchy projects out the way. assuming my form teacher doesnt get all anal on me and screw up my recommendations. bah.

hello peeps! im finally blogging, about last nite's colours night.

it was AWESOME. (:

well, got back at like 1130pm, and conked out soon after and woke up today at 110pm, and went for tuition soon after, so had no time whatsoever to blog/msn/whatever.

whee. but im here! so yay. hmm, where do i start. alrighty, first i got off school early, went home, showered for a long time, and then put on my pretty outfit and headed out in the car. reached the mrt, met the j1s and the ip2s, and headed over to the civil service club. PHOTOWHORED LIKE MAD.

went around, socialised, laughed at des, met andy, laughed at samarth, hugged des, laughed at her again, laughed WITH andy, socialised some more, stoned witht he ip1s, PHOTOWHORED, and PHOTOWHORED AND PHOTOWHORED AND PHOTOWHORED.

okay im sure you get the point. sadly i photowhored with other people's camera cuz my bag was too small for one. so im just gonna have to wait for the pics to come ut on KM. or for andy to pass me his. (:

well we ate, we stoned, we (of course) photowhored. and then we finally got our awards lalala. then the performances. and then we had a largely unsuccessful dance party where no one danced cuz everyone was too shy cuz the lights were nice and bright and no one dances in bright light. booyaka.

at least some people tried! (koffliyanaandjoykoff) LOL ive funny seniors. vivien saw nat, jun, cherry and me at the mrt and she was like (looks us from head to toe) saying sth like, "i think its a trend that IP girls know how to dress well".

LOL.

anyways, then there was seriously a lot of photowhoring la. it was rather scary. like HEY I TAKE PIC WITH YOU kinda photowhoring. hmm i took lots of pics with the canoeists and andy.

haha then i went home via mrt with andy. our stops are like pretty near (one stop difference, actually), and then so we took like one hour to get home i think. so we just sat there and talked and talked and talked and talked. fun! (:

bah i feel so slow. when i got on the comp, he had already added me on msn/found my blog/tagged. boooo. cant believe he actually remembered my email. without the aid of his phone. which he erm. lost.

anyways TMR BE USHER DUTY IN CHURCH. have to reach there by 830. i calculate i will have to wake up at...7am or sth. eeks. NOOO. ;_; service to God, i guess. ahaha.

thanks for the moments.

sophie scholl movie today was nice but the ending was freaky. i mean they chopped her head off! how morbid is that! erm but thankfully they didnt show that part.

anyways erm there really isnt much to blog about. apart from the fact i saw this funky shirt today in plaza sing:-

FRIENDS ARE FOREVER, BOYS ARE WHATEVER.

like lol! anyways thanks (again) to dearest mysti who is totally willing to lend me her cosplay outfit so i can shock gamers and friends alike on thursday. which would be erm. teachers' day celebrations. compiled with BE YOURSELF DAY. two in one, cuz njc is cheapskate.

ahahahaa. but at least we get to have fun (:

tomorrow be colours award. i shall dress up pretty. i mean which girl doesnt like to dress up (occasionally)? one practically never gets to truly dress up anyways so it should be fun yay.

and ehh you, my bill is gonna die. 31 messages in two hours. eeks. that may not be a lot but to poor people like me, it is! >.< ahahaaaa.

this week rocks, yes, but i think i have realized certain things.

i miss GEP. i really really do. i guess one could say i have pretty much adapted to the system here in njc but i simply cannot adapt to what people would call...the people system? sometimes i think that my mates and i are like on a completely different frequency altogether.

i havent got a hug in ages. a real one, a one where you know the other person feels it too and means it with all their hearts. its always me giving the hugs, me meaning them. the people here arent really into hugs the way ele and ylynn were i guess. or even wynne dearie. it kind of hurts. a bit. but the hurt is rather one of a dull ache, one that i can ignore but it wont go away.

i try to be myself but the reactions do differ from when i was in 2k. this is not just a case of anybody in the IP saying, "oh i miss my old school" cuz well we all do. i think this is on a deeper level. sure you miss your classmates, your old friends. everyone does, but for me, i dont just miss them, i miss the whole GEP system, the whole GEP personality. i believe that everyone feels this way. ranging from ylynn to mysti. even when you go to jc i dont think this will end.

i want my two years back. i think everyone feels this way. we want our two years back.

i dont think i will ever adapt to that. i hope i remain like this all my life. it will hurt more, but i think losing this will be like losing me.

GAH no one here games or reads or randoms like me. true ive got friends. but i think its different somehow. i dont think i can truly tell anybody anything. or even if i did, i dont think the advice given would be satisfactory.

im sorry if im sounding like a real elitist bitch right now, but I MISS GEP. hanging with the supposed "normal?" people just isnt the same.

we are an anomaly.

government, oh government. why did you ruin my life?

ugh im migrating dammit.

i have come to two conclusions. ONE: i have exceedingly leet ex-dhs seniors. and TWO: this week rocks. as in the coming week of course (:

alrighty shoutout to mysti dearest and david! thanks to mysti who constantly bombards me with smses and makes me happy i school cuz im too distracted by her smses to remind myself about my sad love life (and i.e. sad hp bill) LOL. and also, her smses make me feel even more GEP! which means more lit loving and more sponteneous bursting into song! yay!

and thanks to david who was willing to stick 66mb worth of d&d stuff in a cd to pass to me on teachers' day. totally cool. considering the fact thatif he didnt dl that stuff it would cost like 50 bucks for poor me. buying 30 buck sandman books/guidebooks to add to my collection is as obscene as i get, i apologise. 50 bucks is just cutting it too close, unless ive book vouchers but hey only junyi has those RAHH.

anyways this week rocks. why? tmr will suck cuz its monday and mondays suck. tues rocks cuz its early day! wed rocks cuz there be swimming. thurs rocks cuz there is the sophie scholl movie with the rest of the level! and fri there be the forever coolio and leet colours award~

and today was pretty cool too. had this weird game in church where we were all buyers and sellers and we had practically opposite cultures and still had to buy and sell stuff with each other. i was a seller, and we had weird things like: never serve member of opposite sex, dont serve people who are as disrespectful as to wear RED, shake hands and talk about your family with the buyers or no selling, keep strict eye contact...

and the buyers were the exact opposite! like reuel, he was so shifty eyed it was almost funny and everyone like refused to shake hands. ahahaa! and buyers apparently SPIT WHEN THEY GET BORED. uhh andy was permanently bored and kept spitting on poor nat. x)

nat: hello! shake hand shake hand!
andy: SPIT.

and on it went. it was quite funny. me and nic were in a group with nat and justin, trying to sell weird things. and mostly dudes came to our group so we couldnt like sell to them cuz as sellers we couldnt sell to peole of the opposite gender. so nic and i pretty much slacked. LOL! leaving poor nat and justin to do the work. or mainly nat, actually.

but it was fun. weirdly fun. (:

and then in CG, we all traded numbers under insistence by edwin. so i got a bunch of numbers. and then ben called me after cg...for fun. =_= i have a weird distant cousin, yes i do. ahahaa.

whee, loving life. (:

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. and I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay. true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away--

when i am missing you to death.

when you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio, i hope this song will guide you home.

-Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.

halfway through the previous post, an msn window popped up. guess who?

KYSER TAN.

church camp was from 18-22 june. i added the dude before i went for obs on the 26th. and he only comes online NOW. this is 17th august. almost two months! oh my!

NOW i can FINALLY get my church camp pics from him i guess. yay! (:

I PLAYED BBALL WITH XUEMIN TODAY! yay i feel happy. havent played bball in ages. quite literally ages. my shooting is completely out of whack. my underbaskets and layups are no longer hundred percent. i think its either me using too much strength, cuz canoeing gave me more arm and back power, or me not aiming right due to lack of practise.

but oh well it was fun. and i felt the happiness of doing something whcih i have not done in ages, and sweating never felt so good. (:

i should ball more often.

anyways WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME IN SELF TORTURE FOR SIX MONTHS TO JOIN THE LDP PROGRAMME PLEASE TELL ME! THANK YOU. all from nygh/rgs/nus high/njc/hci/ri/acsi/dhs are welcome. dont ask me why they didnt put in vjc. im quite pissed with them for that. cuz its like everyone else from IP is in except for vjc and tjc. are they trying to tell us something or what!

NO JUNYIII.

anyways, hope ele darling can help me with my bloody reflections for that bloody LDP programme thing. heh. loves ele lots. or maybe we could enter together! cuz dhs people can enter. but not vjc people. like =_=

this is good for one's portfolio, but its like GAH cuz its one of those long term projects. takes about six months. but its arranged by GEP branch, some famous school of business and SMU. in other words, that is very good. cuz me and the GEP branch have an affinity, and well SMU is where i wanna go. as for the business school i guess i could go into business if i really wanted to. cuz my bro is going anyways. but bah for the first time ever i dont wanna follow him (: cuz well we are too similar already.

let me count the ways! we are both from GEP, we are both from CAP, we are both Arts students liking social sciences, we hate math and chinese and we are both canoeists.

i refuse to take business in university! ahahaaa.

alrighty, see you lot later. (:

i look hot and black. i miss danga bay. gero, gill, bee, me, matt, zile. now i just wish the end of year possible penang trip would be just as cool. and that my mom would let me go. ahahaa.
wynne: why are you hugging a drow? were you at a cos con?
translation: cosplay convention. and a drow is one of those fantasy characters. and uhh. =_=
fyi, thats Ronin's lead singer, Levan. and for the morons who dont know Ronin, thats a homegrown rock band.

LOL. j1 and ip outing in march. szemin, jas, vic, gill, gero, jo, nat, me, cherry. ages old photo. oh my. the memories seem so long ago. we were young and happy...til nats came. AHAHA.
DANGA BAY ZOMG I WAS SO BLACK I MUST GET BLACK AGAIN QUICK GO TAN TIFF YOURE GETTING PALE! and i want that hairstyle back again. my hair be all wonky now. i think i should either go butch or shave it off. GAH! me, bee, gill, gero.

im spamming my own blog. life is so wonderful. spamspamspam.

SPAMMAGE OF PICTURESSSSS. enjoy folks. (:

now why did i blog about that.

not as though youre actually here to see it. not like you actually come here anymore. you never did anyway. not unless i told you too.

seriously. why did i do that.

alrighty bombs bombs bombs on hwachong! told myst why i wanted to bomb hwachong so maybe shes the only one who knows right now haha. its about canoeing things so i shall not elaborate further.

anyways i dropped half an inch from my waistline. all you girls may now hate me forever. and i didnt even do it on purpose. i find it weird, im eating crap nowadays but i still lose inches. =_= kudos to my metabolism. thankfully, i am not fat. (:

in sec 1 i was 23 inches. sec 2 i rose to 24 inches. now im 23.5 inches round the waist. hmm, why am i talking about my waist on my blog. nevermind.

anyways i vow to improve myself in canoeing. i need my k1 to fly like the wind. must have more strength and endurance and better strokes. i also need to be better at math. i vow to be better at math! (and chinese)

i plan to just keep on improving. i must, i simply must. life is alright at the time being. but i need to prove myself. do my ultimate best. dont let my supposed talent go to waste.

no more playing. this is for real. i want to be the best.
and i know i can do it.

RAHH!
i know youre watching me. and im watching you too. i still want you dammit. and i really wonder why i do since well. i cant read you. i dont know what youre thinking. GAH!
lets go baby.

life is average now. just looking forward to certain things every week and that gets me through life. like for instance i look forward to every wednesday's swimming module. (: and after that im looking forward to next friday's colours award ceremony. just keep looking forward to things and life becomes that much better.

been thinking about some things lately, including something which ended like six years ago. you could suppose i wonder about where that person is right now, and perhaps i want to find him. but maybe not. cuz its been six years after all. i will just content myself with the memories from long ago.

bah theres nothing much to blog about. x(

they just want each other; they dont need no other.

hrrm. havent been blogging, oh my. okay qick summary time!

thursday: stoned at home, chionged IH essay, met myst and that woman was late, but at least she got her sandman book, hung with wynne's film group (wynne, joe, gloria, gen, jan) and then went for tutoring. my last session. aww. ):

anyways friday was relatively fine and then the icing on the cake was when i went out for dinner with my dearest junyi and returned her umbrella. ahahaa. it was fun, we ate at carl jr's, and i felt very unhealthy. but the burgers are superb. i think my nutrition's going down the drain, haha.

then today was CIP. i was really desperate for a friend so i asked geoffrey on msn at like 11pm if he could come and that wonderful person agreed within five minutes of me asking him and i felt so happy. ahahaa. then we did CIP today together and we kinda caught up on the old 2k times. it was quite good to just sit and talk with someone you havent chatted to for ages. (: and that nice boy bought me lunch when he learnt i was broke. thank God for ex classmates.

and now i am home, and happy. and listening to fluff songs. (: life's pretty good i guess.

i'm speeding by the place that i met you
for the ninety seventh time tonight

hello people! i had a nice national day with ele and junyi. woke up at round 10pm and hung round at my auntie's house before going out for lunch at this swanky restaurant with the whole family.

really fun. i missed everyone, especially my cousins. it was more of them talking and me quietly listening and revelling in the happy moment. as cheesy as that sounds, but true that.

then met junyi at orchard and then headed home. returned her Empires, and then we left to grab ele. and junyi left her umbrella on the chair =_=. but anyways we managed to sqeeze in two rounds of Empires before rolling out.

picked ele up at kallang with some difficulty, due to the fact that there was this sea of red people there. being rebels to society, junyi was wearing green and i was wearing bright blue. ele, however, was wearing red. hahaa.

headed over and watched ndp. nuff said haha. anyways ele was counting angmohs and i was grabbing the free muffins. which are REALLY REALLY tasty. yum.

then we headed over to macs and ate and then ele's mom dropped us home. whee. what a happy fruitful national day! (:

junyi has returned me my cds. i am happy.

blah nothing much. 'grats to cherry and jo, whose band won battle of the bands! and 01's band who came in second. anyways after that i hung with sherlene for lunch at coro's (the usual place haha) then after that hung at the hwach weights room with alan. its airconditioned. its nice. the mirrors are rusty and the equipment is kinda old but it still rocks.

the weighing machine is nice. even with my bag and with my shoes it puts me as 49kg. i love that thing. or maybe im just light. last i checked, im 46kg. but i do fluctuate between 45-47kg so depends whee.

then i went for trng in my pretty red k1 and i trained for 3 and a half hours and i nearly died. allow me to put the programme here.

PROGRAMME!
-5x20 cycles sprint
-5x10 cycles sprint
-technique check (50mins)
-resistance training (25 mins til you die)
-faklek (20 cycles sprint, 40 cycles maintain and wash rinse repeat til the cows come home)
-mileage at zone 2 (though my group so didnt do at zone 2) til the end.

suffice it to say i died a little at resistance. and a little more during faklek. and i completely dug my grave and lay in it, halfway through the not-zone-2 mileage.

wunderbar. njc's programme is out. whatever. you try doing that for three and a half hours, you.

BUT! anyways i could feel my stroke and endurance improving with every stroke, especially during resistance. and my balance too, yes. (:

anyways i got IH crap to do, so see ya.

i wanna see the pretty hwach rooftop!

im flooded in work.

SUNDAY!
-tuition. (homework as yet to be done)

MONDAY!
-MI test, 10% (as yetto be mugged for)
-math journal (as yetto be started)
-water trng

TUESDAY!
-celebrations
-goodness knows what else. band meeting? hci funfair?

WEDNESDAY!
-NDP.
-whatever other crap people can book me for.

THURSDAY!
-peer tutoring
-archive trip with SPIRE gang, meeting at estella's house.

FRIDAY!
-IH ESSAY DUE ZOMGWTFBBQ. (havent even started on the damn thing)
-IH presentation
-peer tutoring

i hate life. i hate the government. (as politically incorrect as it sounds)
IP is bullshit. seriously. i wish i'd never heard of the damn thing. i wish i had my two years in GEP. i wish i was still...normal. or a vague semblance of normal, anyway.

i wish i was still me.