I hate feeling helpless.

It 's the worst feeling in the world. I'm inching forward to this unspoken deadline and this deadline I've known of for months and months, and I guess I've sort of buried it behind my classic procrastinator facade: Oh, it's like a month away, there are plenty of fun times ahead, I'm enjoying every single moment... And then suddenly, boom! It's crept up, and I'm like where on earth did all this time go? Then I start getting desperate, yes yes let's meet up on xx day at xx time to do xx and how about the day after that as well, are you free for lunch, are you free for dinner, are you free to spend an afternoon with me? I frantically block up dates and times and days, trying to squeeze every single iota of time I can manage.

It makes me feel so selfish, so desperate. But this is all I can do, because soon enough it'll be months and months before I see you again in person, in high definition and 4D, instead of from thousands of miles away on a blurry computer screen and via a shitty connection that makes your visage hang and lag at the most inopportune moments. I can hug you really tightly even though you wriggle and pull faces and make the worst noises in the world. Right now, to talk to you, I don't have to dial a foreign country code, I don't have to calculate time difference, I don't have to pay more than my phone bill demands, I don't have to yell into the crackly laptop microphone. Soon, however, I will have to content myself with a grainy image, a facsimile of you, and hollered conversation which leaves hardly any room for the sharing of secrets or even bitching/gossiping about people -- unless of course you don't mind the whole world around us listening in. Soon enough, we'll go from seeing each other a few times a week to "seeing" each other once a month, or even lesser than that.

I don't think it ever gets easier. Perhaps that's why I'm pushing meetings, scheduling like a maniac, trying to create enough great awesome amazing wonderful fond memories this summer to last us through more long months of separation. And perhaps the saddest thing is, I'm not even sure it's really going to work.

I hate feeling helpless. However, it's all I can feel right now.

Had to clean my room today, under the instruction of my mother. Had to clean her room too, because that's what university students home on summer holidays do: clean shit so their parents don't have to. She tried to get me to do the toilet via phone call today too, but I was all like hell no you didn't mention the toilet I ain't cleaning no toilet. If that sounds mean, it's because I was halfway through cleaning BOTH rooms and the end was in sight. Plus if I'd done the loo too, I prolly would've been late to meet Hwee (:

Anyway the point is, while cleaning my room I took the opportunity to look around. I mean, the parents have made much effort to revamp and reorganise my room so stuff that was a certain place when I hadn't gone to uni yet was now in another place altogether. And it struck me how many things I have lying around in plain sight. Some of these items are things which I feel I don't take enough time to appreciate, both for the item as well as for the person who gifted it to me. Some of these things are trinkets which were given almost a decade ago by very old friends, and I guess it served as a nice walk down memory lane.

-Painting of a rose (with glow in the dark paint) from Stella Bee, circa 2003.
-Painting of sunflowers from Jasmine, circa 2006/7. (It was from the CAP period, I can't really remember which one though. I also have forgotten what the message at the back means. Oh dear.)
-Photo frame with Vietnam picture from Stick, circa early 2009.
-Dreamcatcher from Ryan, circa 2006.
-Wooden D&T carving of a hamster? Pikachu? It's from Desiree, circa 2005.
-Candle holder from NJC OGLs, circa 2006.
-Large stuffed dog from my aunt on my father's side, lovingly named Alexander Montgomery Chubb, circa 1998.

And I'm sure there's more stuff in my drawer, cards and postcards and whatnot. I guess it's just a small reminder to look around at what we see every day and think about them a little more, because they hold memories of the past and the people in it (:

It's 3am, I'm up doing nothing, and I'm feeling completely useless as usual. I think I need some meaning in my life but it's difficult to find meaning when you don't even know where meaning is. Somehow I don't think staying up watching videos and playing online games is particularly meaningful. Kind of want to go back to school pronto, it would suck a little but at least I would have something legitimate to do with my life.