I hate feeling helpless.

It 's the worst feeling in the world. I'm inching forward to this unspoken deadline and this deadline I've known of for months and months, and I guess I've sort of buried it behind my classic procrastinator facade: Oh, it's like a month away, there are plenty of fun times ahead, I'm enjoying every single moment... And then suddenly, boom! It's crept up, and I'm like where on earth did all this time go? Then I start getting desperate, yes yes let's meet up on xx day at xx time to do xx and how about the day after that as well, are you free for lunch, are you free for dinner, are you free to spend an afternoon with me? I frantically block up dates and times and days, trying to squeeze every single iota of time I can manage.

It makes me feel so selfish, so desperate. But this is all I can do, because soon enough it'll be months and months before I see you again in person, in high definition and 4D, instead of from thousands of miles away on a blurry computer screen and via a shitty connection that makes your visage hang and lag at the most inopportune moments. I can hug you really tightly even though you wriggle and pull faces and make the worst noises in the world. Right now, to talk to you, I don't have to dial a foreign country code, I don't have to calculate time difference, I don't have to pay more than my phone bill demands, I don't have to yell into the crackly laptop microphone. Soon, however, I will have to content myself with a grainy image, a facsimile of you, and hollered conversation which leaves hardly any room for the sharing of secrets or even bitching/gossiping about people -- unless of course you don't mind the whole world around us listening in. Soon enough, we'll go from seeing each other a few times a week to "seeing" each other once a month, or even lesser than that.

I don't think it ever gets easier. Perhaps that's why I'm pushing meetings, scheduling like a maniac, trying to create enough great awesome amazing wonderful fond memories this summer to last us through more long months of separation. And perhaps the saddest thing is, I'm not even sure it's really going to work.

I hate feeling helpless. However, it's all I can feel right now.